I've missed you guys.
I've gone back and forth about whether or not I want to write this post. I'm still undecided, so I figured I'd start typing and see where it takes me.
If you follow on Instagram, you may know that we had a miscarriage almost two weeks ago. I was closing in on eleven weeks and starting to see the light at the end of a long and anxious first trimester. We planned photos for announcements, picked outfits, bought maternity jeans, and sunk ourselves into other trivial things as our excitement grew.
Then it was gone. A quick ultrasound showed no heartbeat and a D&C was scheduled for the next day. Complications a week later meant an ER trip, a visit from my mom, and felt like a slap in the face considering that we were already struggling.
All this to say that miscarriage sucks.
There are silver linings if I want to see them, though. I'm more grateful than ever for the healthy child we already have. She's been a true comfort during this time. My husband has been a rockstar, I can't say enough about all he's done. I'm grateful for the support from family, friends, even total strangers...reminding us that we don't have to go through this alone. Not for the first time, I'm grateful for Willow Crowns. Having something to sink myself into, to offer a distraction and a purpose has helped enormously. I'm also really grateful for health insurance...because this crap is expensive. I'm grateful for everyone who let me cry, let me pretend it didn't bother me, who brought us food, made terrible jokes, texted me every day, made themselves available, and took my mind off things.
I really considered just keeping it to myself. I did for a few days and realized that wasn't helping. There's comfort in community. Talking to others who've been down this road and gone on to lead happy lives with their children. Hearing that it's so so common and that things will be ok. That plus trying our best to get back to a normal routine and stay busy have helped the most.
Two nights after my D&C I was sucked into some kind of internet black hole (I know you've all been there) and found this:
" The only way out is through " - Robert Frost.
So we're pushing through. We know that our circumstances could be harder, worse, more complicated and are putting all our energy into focusing on the positive. Every day I look around with a better perspective for how good life is, for how lucky we are. I'll probably take a little break from this space. I'm feeling like we're turning the corner but I just don't have it in me to blog regularly at this point.
Thanks for all your kind words and support over the past two weeks, it's meant so much to me.